I have thousands of emails from my years of escorting the demanding, the wealthy, the elderly (and sometimes all three in one!) around the world. I could certainly re-tell these stories (and I will as time goes on), but I want you to really feel the passion of my experiences via actual emails I sent from the road. Today’s email brings us to the fascinating country of India. You can imagine my surprise when I met one of my unforgettable guests – Let’s call her Ms. Malhoun (Joan was her first name and she corrected my pronunciation on day 5 of this trip. I didn’t even know you could mispronounce ‘Joan’. But she figured out a way to make it sound like ‘Jean’. Also, everyone knows you correct the name problem right away or you just go by your ‘new’ name for the remainder of the relationship).

Below is the ACTUAL email I sent my family to update them on where I would be for the next two weeks of my life (parenthesis added to help fill in some gaps for you):

Hey y’all,

Upon arriving at the gate in Chicago for my 15-hour direct flight to Delhi, India, I couldn’t find any of my guests that were traveling with me. {The company I worked for liked to completely punish us and make us find our guests before the international long-haul flights. They probably thought this ‘rule’ helped keep the airport expenses down because we would hang around the gate chatting with our guests rather than paying for 3 glasses of $15 wine that tastes 1/3 of the price. O contraire my friends.}

It should have been easy to spot my typical passenger seeing as how the only people I spotted were Indians crowding the gate. The large hair turbans, huge beards (unless they were covered by beard hair nets…have you ever seen such a crazy concept!!), and elderly Indian women lingering in their shadows were pushing the very few Americans that were present to the back of the pile.

I did wonder briefly if I would actually survive the next 15 hours of my life. Thank goodness I loaded up on protein and wine at the airport bar because who knows when I’ll see those delicacies again!

A few hours into the flight (pre-Ambian) I make friends with a super cool girl going to visit her boyfriend in Qatar. How cool to have a boyfriend that lives in Qatar!!! I don’t even know where that is!!! I totally didn’t admit this to her and silently wondered if she knew where it was before she started dating the mysterious man. {I was never one for geography. Embarrassing but true. Going to visit these places did help increase my knowledge, but I can affirmatively say that I still use GOOGLE to look up the whereabouts of cities I’ve spent significant time in}.

We continued chatting and she starts telling me about this crazy lady sitting next to her. I was ‘suspect’ right away and go spy on this lady. Damn – she looked very “Intrav”. {INTRAV was the name of my former company. I will use their real name until I’m so famous and sharing every secret that they ask me not to. You are reading this blog early so you get the ‘inside scoop’. LOL! I suspect instant fame and fortune. My Chinese takeout fortune cookie last night told me so}.

FYI…in this particular case of looking ‘Intrav’ – it means old and a lot of tacky
jewelry.

I decided to suck it up and ask the attendants for a list of my passengers….to which they then complain about this same lady (face palm!!!) to me just as I am noticing she is one of mine. I end up walking the aisles and meet the rest of my passengers and thank God they are all nice and normal.

But then we have our ‘suspect’. The crazy lady next to my mile-high best friend lays into me about random things and I just act like the plane might be landing soon and make a quick escape for my last few moments of enjoyable freedom. As I leave the plane, the flight-attendants all wish me luck with Ms.Malhoun….great, that’s always a positive sign! (double face palm, with a side of eye-roll and a prayer).

So here is where it really gets good! After getting off and having the most delicious smelling flowers being hung around my neck (woo hoo I did get Valentine’s Day flowers!) and meeting the rest of my “normal” group, we wait for Ms. Malhoun. She is nowhere to be found so the rest of the group and I head to the hotel while our guide waits for her. 30 full minutes later he calls me and the first thing he says is, “She has a MOTORIZED SCOOTER!” I mention that I had heard that she brought one and ask him if it seems like it will be a pain…..

At this moment I clearly did NOT understand what a motorized scooter really was. So I wait for them in the lobby and in drives Ms. Malhoun in this big yellow seated scooter. Bumper stickers included. Oh my gosh, I couldn’t look at my guide because I thought I would laugh or cry right there.

I have attached the photo that I made him run and take after she drove off to the elevator. The only thing missing from the picture are her 2 (TWO!) canes, one of which is wooden hand-carved gnome of some sort. I can’t even begin to think how we will take this scooter on trains, check this on airplanes, and maneuver it through the 5 million people that are in this city each day. Help!

This should be a really “special” trip.

The only people I have left to meet now are the couple that:

• *doesn’t eat any spices
• *doesn’t eat anything green
• *doesn’t eat fish
• *doesn’t eat milk
• *They will eat turkey (impossible in this country) and pancakes occasionally.

If you don’t hear from me again, it is because I’ve stolen Ms. Malhoun’s Motorized Scooter and driven to the nearest Ashram for some serious soul-healing.

Love,

Meredith

FOLLOW UP EMAIL:

The below email was sent to my boss. As I read it now I realize how embarrassingly inappropriate it is. The office has to be horrified that they let me loose in a far away land with guests paying well over $10,000 to be escorted by me. In my defense, when I was living life on the road I never found time for proof-reading or being professional towards those back home in their cozy offices. I had to reserve what very little professionalism I had for the constant face-to-face interactions with my high-paying guests. Here is my email to Vice President Doug:

Hi Doug,
Of course I hate to interrupt your time off but I just want to keep you posted on the latest.  {I totally did NOT care that I was interrupting his time off}.

So this morning was our early am departure and as I was running around doing luggage, ect., Joan was in the breakfast room ordering around other guests to get her food. I only know this because 3 of them came to me and said, ”Joan is a bitch” and then told me how they had to get toast for her then help her back in her cart so she could go to the bathroom and she didn’t even thank them. I know this is true because she doesn’t thank me when I get her food either, which is fine since I am working. I have tried to keep her away from the others and help her as much as possible but there was no way I could be sitting in breakfast with her at 5 am when the luggage needed to leave then as well. I know you don’t feel we have a reason to send her home, but I am just keeping you informed of the continued comments from passengers. oh…as I am sitting here typing this another passenger has just come to show me a ‘disabled traveller’ warning in her guide-book. Thank God for their great sense of humor!

Thanks!
Meredith
P.S. Woo hooo we are on the way to the best hotel in the world…these passengers will be soooo happy after all the craziness!

Do you like the quick ‘P.S.’ after that bombshell email? Like, hey boss, it’s all good no trouble at all. Never mind that I dropped a casual curse word while interrupting your family vacation. #majoreyeroll #itsokimworking

READER – please leave a comment as to why the heck you think this company kept me employed. Would you have kept some yahoo employee writing emails like the above? And here is one more insider scoop for you – the actual email had several typo’s that I corrected for a better reading experience for you. So basically my company sent me off to care for their clients and the only feedback they were getting from me was in the form of horribly inappropriate emails with typos and a bad attitude. They had to be freaking out.

INDIA FAVORITES

My HOTELS: Oberoi Udaivilas || Oberoi Amarvilas || Rambagh Palace ||