EMAIL FROM INDIA

Hey ya’ll,

Upon arriving at the gate in Chicago for my 15-hour direct flight to Delhi, India, I couldn’t find any of my guests that were traveling with me. {EDITOR’s NOTE: The company I worked for liked to completely punish us and make us find our guests before the international long-haul flights. They probably thought this helped keep the airport expenses down because we would hang around the gate chatting with our guests. O contraire. I will discuss why later}

It should have been easy to spot my typical passenger seeing as how the only people I spotted were Indians crowding the gate. The large hair turbans, huge beards (unless they were covered by beard hair nets…have you ever seen such a crazy concept!!), and old Indian women lingering in their shadows were pushing the very few Americans that were present to the back of the pile.

I did have a wonder briefly if I would actually survive the next 15 hours of my life. Thank goodness I loaded up on protein and wine at the airport because who knows when I’ll see those delicacies again!

A few hours into the flight (pre-Ambian) I make friends with a super cool girl going to visit her boyfriend in Qatar. How cool to have a boyfriend that lives in Qatar!!! I don’t even know where that is!!! {EDITOR’s NOTE: I was never one for geography. Embarrassing but true. Going to visit these places did help increase my knowledge, but I can’t say that I don’t still use GOOGLE to look up the whereabouts of cities I’ve spent time in}. I totally didn’t admit this to her and silently wondered if she knew where it was before she started dating the mysterious man.

We continue chatting and she starts telling me about this crazy lady sitting next to her. I was ‘suspect’ right away and go spy on this lady. Damn – she looked very “Intrav”. {EDITOR’s NOTE: This was my former company. I will use their real name until I’m so famous and sharing every secret that they ask me not to. You are reading this blog early so you get the ‘inside scoop. I suspect instant fame and fortune. And my Chinese takeout fortune last week agreed}.

FYI…in this particular case of looking ‘Intrav’ – it means old and a lot of tacky
jewelry.

I decided to suck it up and ask the attendants for a list of my pax….to which they then complain about this same lady (face palm!!!) to me just as I am noticing she is one of mine. I end up walking the aisles and meet the rest of my passengers and thank God they are all nice and normal (one even traveled with and LOVES Abby…still waiting to hear if Abby has mutual feelings…fingers crossed).

But then we have our ‘suspect’. The crazy lady next to my mile-high best friend lays into me about random things and I just act like the plane might be landing soon and make a quick escape for my last few moments of enjoyable freedom. As I leave the plane, the flight-attendants all
wish me luck with Ms. Callahan….great, that’s always a positive sign! (double face palm, with a side of eye-roll and a prayer).

So here is where it really gets good! After getting off and having the most delicious smelling flowers being hung around my neck (woo hoo I did get Valentines flowers!) and meeting the rest of my “normal” group, we wait for Ms. Callahan. She is nowhere to be found so the rest of the group and I head to the hotel while our guide waits for her. 30 minutes later he calls
me and the first thing he says is, “She has a MOTORIZED SCOOTER!” I do mention that I had heard that she brought one and ask him if it seems like it will be a pain.

At this moment I clearly did NOT understand what a motorized scooter really was. So I wait for them in the lobby and in drives Ms. Callahan in this big yellow seated scooter that the overweight people would rent at Costco. Oh my gosh, I couldn’t look at my guide because I thought I would laugh or cry right there.

I have attached the photo that I made him run and take after she drove off to the elevator. The only thing missing from the picture are her 2 (TWO!) canes, one of which is wooden hand-carved gnome of some sort. I can’t even begin to think how we will take this scooter on trains, check this on airplanes, and maneuver it through the 5 million people that are in this city each day. Help!

This should be a really “special” trip.

The only people I have left to meet now is the couple that:

*doesn’t eat any spices

*doesn’t eat anything green

*doesn’t eat fish

*doesnt’ eat milk

*They will eat turkey (impossible in this country) and pancakes occasionally.

If you don’t hear from me again, it is because I’ve stolen Ms. Callahan’s Motorized Scooter and driven to the nearest Ashram for some serious soul-healing.

Love,

Meredith

FOLLOW UP EMAIL:

The below email was sent to my boss. As I read it now I realize how embarrassingly inappropriate it is. But when I was living life on the road I never found time for proof-reading or being professional towards those back home in their offices. I had to reserve what little professionalism I had for the constant face-to-face interactions with the high-paying guests. Here is my email to VP Doug:

Hi Doug,
Of course I hate to interupt your time off but I just want to keep you posted on the latest.
So this morning was our early am deptarture and as I was running around doing luggage, ect., Joan was in the breakfast room ordering around other guests to get her food. I only know this because 3 of them came to me and said, ” Joan is a bitch” and then told me how they had to get toast for her then help her back in her cart so she could go to the bathroom and she didnt even thank them. I know this is true because she doesnt thank me when I get her food either, which is fine since I am working. I have tried to keep her away from the others and help her as much as possible but there was no way I could be sitting in breakfast with her at 5 am when the luggage needed to leave then as well. I know you dont feel we have a reason to send her home, but I am just keeping you informed of the continued comments from pax. oh…as I am sittling here typing this another pax has just come to show me a ‘disabled traveller’ warning in her guide book. Thank God for their great sense of humor!

Thanks!
Meredith
Woo hooo we are on the way to the best hotel in the world…thse pax will be soooo happy after all the crazyness!

READER – please leave a comment on my blog as to why the heck you think this company kept me employed. Would you have kept some yahoo writing emails like this employed? They had to be freaking out as to how I was acting with their clients.